


Thirteen Times Bilbo Heard About Merle Highchurch (and One Time He Met Him)

by adrezarach



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack Crossover, DnD AU, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Faerûn, Middle Earth, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, but now i'm going to make it the best thing i've ever written, dialogue is mostly straight up from tolkien, if you squint there might be some bagginshield, or i will die trying, this is because of a tumblr joke and now i'm committed ok, this was a dumb joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-01 01:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17234942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrezarach/pseuds/adrezarach
Summary: In the first episode of The Adventure Zone, Clint says that "[Merle] was not asked to go along with the dwarves in any of the Hobbit movies, and he’s kinda pissed about that." We're just going to run with that, I guess.-“Even Merle would be a more competent adventurer than this halfling, and Merle would be an incompetent burglar.”Bilbo may have been miffed (and indeed he was), but there were far larger fish to fry than a dwarf determined to insult him.





	1. Glóin (and Gandalf)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kathkin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/gifts).



> This is because of a conversation I had with kathkin about how unbalanced Thorin's Company is by DnD rules. It snowballed into me remembering that Merle Highchurch wasn't invited on the quest, and now we're here.
> 
> Original Conversation: http://penny-anna.tumblr.com/post/181550926468/actualesmeralda-penny-anna
> 
> Dialogue is Tolkien's, except when it's not.

It was dark within Bilbo’s hobbit-hole. ‘Dark for dark business,’ the dwarves had called it, and Bilbo found that he did not care for this expression at all. Dark business indeed! They had arrived, with the minor exception of Gandalf, _thoroughly_ uninvited, had proceeded to very nearly eat him out of house and hole, and had given him quite the fright with their talk of dragons and quests. Now, Bagginses were good hosts nearly by definition - for sake of time, I shall not recount the many failings of the Sackville-Bagginses - but thirteen dwarves and one wizard were liable to test the mettle of even the finest of hobbits.

Now, Bilbo was a fine hobbit - indeed, he judged Hobbiton’s annual gardening contest, which was no small feat - but all this talk gave even his Took side no small amount of discomfort. Already, Bilbo had given a great shriek in front of his distinguished guests and had been made to retire to the drawing-room. After a time (and a drink or two) his large feet lead him back to the parlour-door. Fortifying himself with the belief that it could hardly be eavesdropping if they were one’s own eves, he placed his pointed ear to the door to listen to the conversation beyond.

One of the dwarves (Bilbo believed it to be the stout, red-bearded one) was speaking in a loud and blustering voice about the hobbit. Now, Bag End’s doors were well made, as Bungo Baggins would have nothing but the best for Belladonna, so Bilbo could not quite make out every word of this tirade. Still, hobbit ears are sharp and it is well-apparent when one is being insulted!

“He looks more like a grocer than a burglar!” Glóin (for that happened to be the red-bearded dwarf’s name) proclaimed. With that, Bilbo had _quite_ enough. The dwarves may have kept his crockery intact, but it is no small thing to be insulted in one’s one smial! Perhaps it was the Tookish part of his heart that lead him to open the door, and perhaps our hobbit regretted it later, but there was certainly no going back once he had put his hairy foot in it.

“Pardon me,” Bilbo said, and proceeded to make it known to the present company what he had overheard and how he felt about it. The hobbit’s dignity was something quite important to him, and he was rather unwilling to let less-than-welcome guests rebuke him when they hardly had taken a moment to get to know him. And to claim he had a mark on his freshly-painted door? How rude. “Now, tell me what you want to be done, and I will try it, if I have to walk from here to the East of East and fight the wild Were-worms in the Last Desert,” Bilbo concluded. “I had a great-great-great-grand-uncle once, Bullroarer Took, and...”

“Yes, yes,” interrupted Glóin, “but that was long ago. I was talking about you. Gandalf told us that there was a burglar in these parts looking for a Job at once, and that he had marked the door and arranged for a meeting here today at tea-time.”

“Of course there is a mark upon your door,” said Gandalf, with a sternness in his eyes beneath their bushy brows. “And I put it there myself- for very good reasons. You asked me to find the fourteenth man for your expedition, and I chose Mr. Baggins.” His sharp eyes took a turn around the parlour, a scowl clouding his features. It is worth reminding the reader that Gandalf was a Wizard, and that Wizards are not to be trifled with.

“You have already turned away a dwarf who wished to come along,” the Wizard continued, “Just let anyone say I chose the wrong man, the wrong house, or the wrong burglar, and you can stop at thirteen and have all the bad luck you like.”

At this, Glóin sat back in his chair (it was one of Bilbo’s best, recently reupholstered in a lovely floral print) and glowered at Bilbo.

So occupied was Bilbo with inquiring of the Wizard whatever he could have _meant_ by referring to Bilbo as a ‘burglar,’ that his sharp ears nearly did not pick up what Glóin muttered beneath his breath. Nearly.

“Even _Merle_ would be a more competent adventurer than this halfling.”

Bilbo may have been miffed (and indeed he was), but there were far larger fish to fry than a dwarf determined to insult him.

Burglar-ing indeed!


	2. Óin (and Glóin again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At this, Bilbo wanted to interrupt. He had heard much of the families of dwarves since they invaded his home, and he distinctly recalled being compared to this Merle (somewhat unfavourably, too!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year- 10 Afteryule, by Shire Reckoning! 
> 
> I am so grateful for all of your comments and support thus far. This is the first long-ish form writing I've done for a while- I'm glad you enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!

Once more, Bilbo was forced to reflect on the inconsistency of Wizards. It is an unfortunate truth (of both Bilbo’s world and our own) that many judge entire groups by the actions of only one of their members. Now, I cannot tell you if Gandalf’s actions are truly representative of Wizards as a whole, but I can tell you that Gandalf was the only Wizard in Bilbo Baggins’ acquaintance, and that Bilbo was beginning to form a rather mixed opinion of them! Though he had instilled our hobbit with a great love of fireworks and theatrics, he had also wormed- or perhaps wyrmed, given the dragon at the end of the journey- Bilbo into this whole quest nonsense!

Bilbo did not care for this at all. It was all well and good for Gandalf to have laughed the most and eaten the most when the May sun was high and warm, but it was quite another to disappear when the sky darkened and the rain fell. Still, Bilbo was grateful for the pocket-handkerchiefs Gandalf had brought him. Of course, Bilbo believed he would have been _far_ more grateful if he Gandalf hadn’t brought him at all! This was, perhaps, the first time this thought had crossed the hobbit’s mind, for their May journey had been pleasant thus far; but this would not be the last time Bilbo thought this. Not by far-away and back again!

In the meantime, Bilbo made good use of one of the handkerchiefs to wipe the rain from his brow. As he shivered on a log, he was forced to consider the uncomfortable thought that this might be the best sort of wash he’d be able to get on the road ahead! Dear Bilbo was not the most fastidious of hobbits- he was not the type to avoid work that would end with soil beneath his fingernails- but to think that the behind of his ears would be cleaned by the whims of nature was troubling indeed!  

In the centre of the clearing where they rested were Óin and Glóin, who Bilbo was informed were the best fire-starters in The Company. Of course, it is one thing to be informed of a thing and quite another to witness it. Damp as they were, with their beards quite soaked through, they were having no luck. Flint and steel in their capable hands provided sparks aplenty, but these glints of warmth refused to catch on soaked-through tinder and damp fallen-wood.

Perhaps somewhat awkwardly, Bilbo approached Óin and Glóin. It is debatable, dear reader, if Bilbo genuinely thought he had great skill to offer, or if he simply wished to feel as though he was doing something. All that said, when he approached it was abundantly clear the brothers were deep in conversation- despite the fact Óin’s ear-trumpet was full to the brim with rain-water. Reluctant to interject and make himself more of a nuisance than he felt already, Bilbo waited at the edge of the firepit. His hairy toes curled into the mud and he found himself overhearing conversation once more. Listening in was beginning to become a frequent activity for our poor hobbit!

“Eh? What was that?” Óin asked his brother. “Did you say we should use _Sacred Flame_?”

“Hardly!” Responded Glóin. “I said all this rain is _a damn shame_.” Glóin said this with the kind of easy irritation which suggested such misunderstandings were all too common.

Still, Óin continued. “Merle’s not here, and nor is Gandalf. This is no time for suggestions!”

At this, Bilbo wanted to interrupt. He had heard much of the families of dwarves since they invaded his home, and he distinctly recalled being compared to this _Merle_ (somewhat unfavourably, too). Yet, two things conspired to bite Bilbo’s inquisitive tongue. The first was Balin, their frequent look-out dwarf, calling their attention to fire in the distance. The second- and far more important in Bilbo’s mind- was the fact that he had been listening in on the private conversation of frustrated dwarves. Bilbo was a hobbit of manners and morals, after all, and to admit to listening in still felt rude and unseemly to his mind.

By then the rain was pouring down worse than ever and it was decided- albeit without much input from Bilbo himself. Thorin’s Company had a burglar, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, sadly, cannot rewrite all of The Hobbit with TAZ references. So! This fic will kind of be jumping all over the place. I'm aiming for each of the dwarves to mention Merle (Fuckin') Highchurch at least once. If you have any ideas/suggestions for situations or moments, don't hesitate to comment!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I have this fic entirely outlined and will be updating it as I write (hopefully at the rate of at least one chapter a week). I'm aiming for 14 chapters, but we'll see. Chapter length is definitely going to vary.  
> If you have ideas, feedback, or just want to comment, I will provide you with 1/14th of Erebor's treasure.


End file.
